Being a "yes man" ain't what it used to be. Now, real men know how to say "yes." Real women know how to phrase their complaints in a gentle, soothing or even humorous manner. Or, so certain research seems to indicate.

You may not remember one of the most popular news items from 1998 which cited the results of research about successful marriages. The news of Dr. John Gottman's "Newlywed Study" was widespread and well-read. A lot has happened since 1998 to distract us, but my guess is that the real reason the story disappeared from our collective consciousness is because it suggests that men might do well to learn how to say "yes" more often. Conspiracy-theory folks might conclude that a media dominated by men has suppressed an important truth, again.

The researchers found that newlywed men who were accepting of influence and directions from their wives ended up in happy, stable marriages. The resisting, tyrannical type guy who failed to listen to his wife's complaints, who stonewalled or treated his wife's ideas and thoughts with contempt or hostility had a doomed marriage. Seems that "just say no" may work for drugs pretty well, but it just doesn't cut it for marital bliss.

In this brave, new marital world, giving in is not necessarily giving up and saying yes does not mean that we are going to lose something. In fact, guys, we have much to gain. You can find many references to the research by typing the words "husband accept influence of wife" into any major Internet search engine.

Well, I must confess, curiosity has gotten the best of me. I just had to find out just how many people have gotten into this "yes" thing since 1998. So, to the Internet I went. It appears that that phrase "Just say no" will go down in history as a 1980's phenomenon. "Just say yes" barely makes the radar screen. My Internet search for "just say no" found ten times as many sites as "just say yes."

We still have a long way to go to learn how to create "win-win" relationships in our lives. We still have a long way to go to understand that the number-one principle of good manners and civility is "focus on collaboration and partnership." We are in this world together. Getting better at creating "win-win" experiences in our lives is fundamental to survival on a crowded planet. Gottman's research clearly shows one aspect of how powerful the word "yes" can be. Gottman's research also shows that men are more prone to the "win-lose" mindset, and have a tougher time creating "win-win" situations and thinking in terms of collaboration.

Guys, like me, generally want to take things apart to see how they work. So, what, exactly, is the secret of the word "yes"? The short answer is: "It does not produce a lot of resistance." Somehow, the word "no" grates on our nerves and often changes conversations into power games.

You may not have heard of the "Yes, if..." technique taught to some teachers. The activity requires teachers to identify requests from students to which they have been usually responding with the answer "No" -- like when a student asks "Can I sharpen my pencil?" The answer has often been "No, I'm talking right now." The better answer might be one which sounds more like a win-win proposal, such as "Yes, when I'm finished giving instructions." You see how that answer allows both participants in the conversation to win something. Taking the "win-lose" out of an interaction creates a different mindset of partnership and mutual advancement.

"Yes" believers recommend: (1) say "yes" as often as you can, and (2) when you say no, don't change your mind (of course, this is good for teachers but for us guys who are prone to saying "no" a lot, we may need to learn how to say "Well, I was a little fast on that one, let me think about it a bit more.").

"Yes" sometimes can be the hardest word to say. Well, unless you are Elton John, who thinks that "sorry seems to be the hardest word." Think about your responses, and try to say "yes" as often as possible. I guarantee you will like the positive effect it will have on your life, your community and your family.

-- Be kind and prosper, Dr. Sterling

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