Dear Manners Man:

I am female. Recently, a bright and pleasant man in his 30s visited my workplace to do a routine state tax audit. I furnished him the information for his audit. When he was finished with his work and on his way out, I initiated a hand shake. He just shook my fingers stopping my hand from fully grasping his. I was surprised.

The handshake felt quite unsatisfying and rather flowery. I related this story to a good male friend and he told me that it is the way men are supposed to shake a woman's hand -- not letting the female hand go all the way back for a full grasp but stopping it just so the fingers have been captured. To my surprise, I felt offended by this. Handshakes are nice. Many of my women friends and I like them for the same reason men do, you can make a physical connection conveying thanks or to signify hello, good-bye or an agreement.

Is there a proper man-woman handshake? Does it matter? Am I over-concerned about this? Thank you for your time. Signed -- All Shook Up.

Thank you for writing! The state of the intergender handshake (between different gendered individuals) has been evolving so rapidly in the United States over the last ten years that many people continue to have a difficult time coming to grips with the manners and meanings of such cross-palmination*.

The explanation for why this particular gentleman responded to your handshake in the manner that he did is up for grabs. We would have to ask many questions. Was he behaving according to a rule about intergender handshakes that specifies the finger-squeeze style? Did he get caught off-guard? An unexpected initiation of a handshake can come as a surprise and the responsive gesture can be badly timed or tentative. Since there was no initial handshake upon meeting, he may not have expected a handshake upon departure. As a state auditor he may not feel he should be shaking hands with those he has "examined." Would it seem overly friendly? Or, is this his usual style of handshake?

The tax audit fellow gets a reprieve while we await his answers. Your good male friend, however, is sentenced to hard time for his Misdemeanor Misunderstanding of Current Etiquette (a "miscue award").

You pull my fingers and you twiddle my thumbs.
This is not the handshake that I dream of.
Your hesitation shakes my nerves and rattles my brain.
Too much discomfort drives this woman insane.
Goodness gracious, what days of progress?

I'm just a woman trying to get a handshake.
It shouldn't be so hard to get a fair shake.
You've had some years to adjust.
Don't let our meeting be just about my bust.
Goodness gracious, what days of progress?

This is no time for an etiquette debate.
The opinions are in, no need to hesitate.
Get a grip, don't be a drip.
Give a good shake, give a damn.
Goodness gracious, great days of power sharing!

Feel free to sing the above lyrics to the tune of "Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis (1957).

Clearly, current intergender handshake etiquette in the United States is gender equal. Whatever is true about handshaking between men is now true for all handshaking. Whether it should be that way or not is open for discussion. Such gender-equal handshaking etiquette is not necessarily true in other cultures outside of the United States and may not be entirely acceptable in many subcultures and certain geographical areas within the United States.

The short answers to your questions are (1) There is a proper intergender handshake and recommendations about the style of the shake; (2) It does matter; and (3) You are not over-concerned about it. In my humble opinion, although handshaking is a daily experience, it often carries an unrecognized primal emotional impact. At its core, it is about security and trust. You can't get more primal than that.

Reportedly, the first description of handshaking can be found in Egyptian records which date to 2800 B.C. Since then, the handshake has been overwhelmingly consistent and constant. We know that the handshake during Roman and Medieval times included an arm clasp, which was a method for inspecting each other's arms for hidden weapons. Since it is a thousands-of-years-old practice that had survival consequences, it has a huge subconscious presence. In other words, as much as we would like to trivialize the meaning of a handshake, it just won't cooperate.

Since men have historically been the fighters and weapon carriers, the handshake has been primarily a man-thing. That started to change as women gained more power and equality and became as untrustworthy as weapon-bearing men had been in the past. Did I say that right? It behooves men to shake a woman's hand, and women should attempt to know with whom they are dealing. In that regard, your biggest mistake was not shaking the auditor's hand before the records were produced for his inspection.

Given the very recent development of the intergender handshake among women, the programmed (deeper) meaning of the handshake for women is likely much different than it is for men. One could legitimately wonder what the differences might be in the functional MRI scans of the male and female brain during an intergender handshake. As you have indicated, you and your female friends like the physical connection of the handshake. That would make sense, since woman-to-woman handshaking has historically been about establishing a connection and not an inspection for weapons - a greeting, rather than a minor pat-down.

As recently as 2003, you could find etiquette advice from experts that indicated that men should wait for a woman to initiate a handshake before offering their hand. As recently as 2004, you could find handshaking etiquette advice that was different for business and social environments. That advice is no longer relevant or true.

In the United States, in 2007, the state of the handshake is (1) In social situations, any person can initiate a handshake and the response should be a firm, full-palm vertical grip, with a few shakes from the elbow (not the wrist) that lasts about three seconds or so; (2) In business situations, if there is a "higher-ranking" person, that person gets to decide whether a handshake is initiated or not; (3) In job interviews, the interviewer is in control -- applicants should wait for an interviewer to initiate a handshake; and (4) Even if there is a mistaken initiation of a handshake, the responsive person should never bypass a hand that is extended to them, no matter how erroneous the original gesture may be.

One of the most significant handshake studies that took place in the late 1990s has been widely reported. With the help of a group of students, Dr. Allen Konopacki of the Incomm Center for Trade Show Research in Chicago, conducted an experiment in which a quarter was left in the coin return of a public telephone. If a stranger took the coin after using the phone, a student would walk up and ask the person whether they had seen the quarter. Sixty percent of 75 people lied to the students and said they had not seen the quarter.

In the next series of 75 confrontations, the students introduced themselves with a handshake before asking about the quarter. Surprisingly, less than 15 percent of the strangers lied to the students. The study concluded that the handshakes had improved the trustworthiness of the participants in the conversation.

It is too bad this study has not been replicated or that its details are not available in print or on the Internet. It would be interesting to know the gender breakdown of the lying and non-lying respondents. However, if this study's findings are deemed credible, it certainly indicates the need for women to be shaking the hands of others.

-- Be kind and prosper, Dr. Sterling

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* "Cross-palmination" -- the cross-pollination of attitudes which occurs as the result of an intergender handshake in which a man is influenced to believe that handshakes can be about connecting and nurturing and a woman learns that handshakes can be about security and power sharing.

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