Sometimes, I just want to find the no-cuss zone as bad as the no-smoking zone. Being in the vicinity of unexpected flaming obscenities ("UFOs") makes me choke almost as much as inhaling noxious, second-hand, cigarette smoke. Oh, sure, you can get away from tobacco smoke quite easily these days, but try walking or running away from the expletive-rich zone that just popped up in your vicinity. You will just run smack-dab into more public profanity a few steps away.

My profanity puke-point was recently verified at a completely innocent looking, quarter-mile, popular, outdoor running track near where I live. The track circles around a very well-kept, natural turf, football field. On a recent afternoon, in a misty rain, about 30 teenage boys had gathered for what initially appeared to be a casual, unsupervised game of tackle football. It turned out to be not so laid-back. In fact, it turned out to look and sound like several scenes from the movie Fight Club.

I have never heard the f-word used so brutally, so loudly, so frequently, by so many people, and for such a long period of time. I felt assaulted, and I was just an accidental bystander. I had to exit the track earlier than usual. The spirit of running for the sake of healthy living had been choked to death by the repulsive atmosphere of extreme verbal aggressiveness. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" was probably desperately trying to figure out a way to cope with a playground bully.

The truth is words are powerful and words can hurt.

Had the young men at the Seattle football field been conducting their celebration of profanity in the Counties of Arenac or Berrien in Michigan, they all would probably be behind bars by now. You might remember the very famous "cussing canoeist" case of June 1999. A 25-year old fellow named Timothy Boomer was convicted under an 1897 law which bans swearing near children. Timothy had tumbled out of his rental canoe on the Rifle River in August 1998 and had unleashed a long string of profane words which were heard by several nearby children.

Not much later, a 17-year old Berrien County male cyclist was charged with swearing in front of a minor. The prosecutor in that case stated "In our society, people are becoming very indiscriminate in the language that they use in front of anyone." I couldn't have agreed more. A March 2006 Associated Press-Ipsos poll has confirmed my opinion -- we are living in an age of profanity. The poll showed that 74 percent of people surveyed said they encountered public profanity at least occasionally or frequently and that 64 percent use the F-word from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent). And guess what, young people and men rule in the cuss-word cosmos. Hmmm… what a surprise!

I don't object to the occasional cuss word at the appropriate time or a few cuss words in the lyrics of a song. What bothers me is how profanity can get way out of control and end up being used as a weapon. If the driver of an automobile can be cited for playing music so loud it disturbs the peace then, by golly gosh, so should a person assaulting us with constant swear words be equally held responsible for offensiveness beyond the bounds of reason.

Christmas seems to bring out the best and the beast in us all at the same time. And, it seems to get beastlier every Christmas. More pressure, more stress, more angry, impatient, cussing consumers, and more upset and conflicted cultural warriors. What to do about it? I say, "sing a song (maybe to yourself under your breath)." A song in my heart has often been able to quell the beast in me. Feel free to sing the following lyrics to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Have yourself a cuss-free Merry Christmas,
By letting your heart be light.
Say "Happy Holidays"
To everyone in sight.

Have yourself a simpler Christmas Season,
Dream of long vacations
In the Caribbean,
While you stand in long lines.

When you get jostled about
By the crowds that are out,
Or you get cut-off
In the parking lot,
Just think about
What love is all about
And you will be all right.

Most our troubles are of the minor type,
There's no need to
Swear and fight.
Count to ten or more,
And then have yourself
A cuss-free Merry Christmas now.

Even in the Old West, you know, back in the early 1800s, the law was clear, "don't spit or swear in front of women or children." Men were men, and knew how to be men. Now, men don't seem so sure of how to be men, so they fluctuate between the extremes of being overly nice and brutally bitter. Now, women have almost caught up with men in the cussword competition (see survey above).

Between women racing to outdo men in the bad taste department and humanity's race to populate every last inch of planet earth, we are getting short on space for really letting go with all that pent-up profanity. Like leash-free parks for dogs and their owners, we should probably be establishing profanity-permitted zones ("PP Zones") to which adults can escape and just let the obscenities fly. Until then, the answer, my dear readers, is cussing downwind, cussing under your breath, calming the beast within you with a song, or finding cusswords that don't offend.

Dag nab it, give the children a cuss-free holiday season now!

-- Be kind and prosper, Dr. Sterling

      Comments? Questions? Need Help?

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